The Reasons...

How do I explain how I got here, to this decision with out writing a book? Okay, no books I promise.

I am a strong-willed,stubborn woman and swore that my boys would always live with me, because I do just fine and because I am prideful and because I believe I can do it all, all by myself.

Doing the best we can, sometimes isn't enough. My boys are at an age now, where they really need their Dad, especially my oldest boy. He's 12.

We moved in December to a place much better than the little apartment we were in,granted it's still a condo and so we are still sandwiched in a horizontal stack of town homes. We are so close to our neighbors, it's a good thing our houses are connected, otherwise we would be able open our windows, reach right through theirs and turn down their music. :)

Back to the subject. Boys. My boys are fighting all the time, especially since the move. The bullying at their new school is relentless. When I went to enroll them I about cried. It's like a school out of some movie where are the kids are troubled and defiant, only Morgan Freeman isn't there to save them. A "Lean on Me" for an elementary. Kids were playing in the parking lot at recess, bouncing balls off of cars, swearing and running on the roof from the playground duties. I said "That's it. You are NOT going here. No way."

My son (the diplomat), said we should "give it a chance".

I was, at first driving them every morning to the old district, then to the day care with ZeeZee, then to the college, then back to the daycare, back to the old school and back to home. After about a month it really wore me down. They weren't even going to Judo anymore, we just didn't have the time.

After the school change, my son became violent, angry and depressed. His grades took a sharp drop too. He brought home a math paper with a 40% score. That is the lowest he has ever had, always being at the top of the class in Math. I asked him to do the problems again. He fixed every one of them and knew exactly how. But he explained to me that in class, he can't concentrate because all he can think about is how every time the teacher steps out of the room, about 3 0r 4 boys start pushing him around, calling him gay, calling him swear words and throwing things at him. Recess was worse. Fights.

At home I would always ask him what was wrong and if he wanted to be removed from the school but he's a tough kid. It wasn't until one day when he burst that I realized we had to get him out of there. He wasn't talking much and seemed troubled. "Are you okay?" I asked. "No, Mom and I haven't been okay ever since you put me in that new school okay? I'm not okay. "

I took him out and put him on home study. The change was instant. His mood, his studies, the fighting. It improved over night.

Only problem was, I'm still in school, full-time. I get home and I am always so busy. My grades could be better too.

I don't understand prideful people who usually end up hurting themselves and those around them, all for pride's sake. The fear of giving up or giving in is too great. They would rather suffer than be wrong. I would rather swallow my pride. I'm quite good at it actually, a pro.

I care more about them and more about the truth than being right or in control. The fact is, they have another parent who loves them are is able to care for them just as I have alone for the past 7 and a half years. He lives in a small town (better schools), is married (stability) and financially sound (able to give more than I am), besides all that, he is their father. They need him and want him and I want what is best for them!