"Look what the Easter Bunny brought me!"...

"Look baby, the sun woke up, are you ready for Easter?"

"The sun is going to be mad at me." She buries her head into the pillow.

"No, the sun is nice, the sun isn't mad at you. Do you want to see what you got for Easter?

She pops up. "Yay! It's Eestoh."

Downstairs, she stares at her basket which has a pink stuffed bunny in it. She looks at the bunny and asks "Did you got all this stuffs for me?" It just sits there underneath the cello wrap and she looks worried.

"Mommy, he needs out."

Gary takes the Easter Bunny out. She looks at it again. "I said did you got all these stuff for me!?"

I look at Gary who is Jehovah Witness and not interested in holidays in the least bit and wonder what I should do. I've never told her that a holiday figure was real before. But her eyes are wide and worried. I look at Gary and he surprisingly puts his hand on the Bunny's neck and wriggles the head. "Yes, I did. I got all this for you. Just for Azalia."

Her smile is huge, so precious. She hugs the Bunny. And looks at it again. "You are the Eastoh Bunny?" Gary looks at me. I know he doesn't want to say the word. I chime in, "Yep, that's the Easter Bunny!"

"Oh!", she giggles joyfully.

The bunny is quiet again and she is waiting for it to move or say something.

Gary makes it jump and shout "Happy, Happy, Happy". He doesn't want to say the word again. Azalia and say "Happy Easter!"

She grabs a package of candy handing it to the bunny, "Can you open dis Eastoh Bunny?"

"Sure." Gary says in his jolly Easter Bunny voice. He works the bunny's hands so it looks like they take the candy and moves the bunny and candy behind his back. "Just a second." He says again in the Bunny voice.

"Here you go Azalia." Bringing the candy back around.

"Thanks!" She giggles. "Thanks Eastoh Bunny."

Gary couldn't resist. Just to see her smile. He caved. "Happy...Happy---Easter! Azalia."

The Reasons...

How do I explain how I got here, to this decision with out writing a book? Okay, no books I promise.

I am a strong-willed,stubborn woman and swore that my boys would always live with me, because I do just fine and because I am prideful and because I believe I can do it all, all by myself.

Doing the best we can, sometimes isn't enough. My boys are at an age now, where they really need their Dad, especially my oldest boy. He's 12.

We moved in December to a place much better than the little apartment we were in,granted it's still a condo and so we are still sandwiched in a horizontal stack of town homes. We are so close to our neighbors, it's a good thing our houses are connected, otherwise we would be able open our windows, reach right through theirs and turn down their music. :)

Back to the subject. Boys. My boys are fighting all the time, especially since the move. The bullying at their new school is relentless. When I went to enroll them I about cried. It's like a school out of some movie where are the kids are troubled and defiant, only Morgan Freeman isn't there to save them. A "Lean on Me" for an elementary. Kids were playing in the parking lot at recess, bouncing balls off of cars, swearing and running on the roof from the playground duties. I said "That's it. You are NOT going here. No way."

My son (the diplomat), said we should "give it a chance".

I was, at first driving them every morning to the old district, then to the day care with ZeeZee, then to the college, then back to the daycare, back to the old school and back to home. After about a month it really wore me down. They weren't even going to Judo anymore, we just didn't have the time.

After the school change, my son became violent, angry and depressed. His grades took a sharp drop too. He brought home a math paper with a 40% score. That is the lowest he has ever had, always being at the top of the class in Math. I asked him to do the problems again. He fixed every one of them and knew exactly how. But he explained to me that in class, he can't concentrate because all he can think about is how every time the teacher steps out of the room, about 3 0r 4 boys start pushing him around, calling him gay, calling him swear words and throwing things at him. Recess was worse. Fights.

At home I would always ask him what was wrong and if he wanted to be removed from the school but he's a tough kid. It wasn't until one day when he burst that I realized we had to get him out of there. He wasn't talking much and seemed troubled. "Are you okay?" I asked. "No, Mom and I haven't been okay ever since you put me in that new school okay? I'm not okay. "

I took him out and put him on home study. The change was instant. His mood, his studies, the fighting. It improved over night.

Only problem was, I'm still in school, full-time. I get home and I am always so busy. My grades could be better too.

I don't understand prideful people who usually end up hurting themselves and those around them, all for pride's sake. The fear of giving up or giving in is too great. They would rather suffer than be wrong. I would rather swallow my pride. I'm quite good at it actually, a pro.

I care more about them and more about the truth than being right or in control. The fact is, they have another parent who loves them are is able to care for them just as I have alone for the past 7 and a half years. He lives in a small town (better schools), is married (stability) and financially sound (able to give more than I am), besides all that, he is their father. They need him and want him and I want what is best for them!

My Prelude

This is my practice run, my rehearsal, my prelude to a new chapter in my life.

It's a clear day which is ironic considering the messy pace of my thoughts. The windy roads and tall pines are beautiful through the Uintahs. The rounded snow has fallen on the branches like perfect mounds of whipped cream.

The boys are fighting in the back seat and my heart and head are pounding out of sync. Spring Break for them, a sanity break for me. But I'm scared.

In the summer we will do this again, only differece is, they won't be coming back. Why can't we have a peaceful drive before they go?

In the summer, they will punch eachother in the backseat as we drive through the Uintahs again. I will wish that we talked about the trees and how much we love eachother and how our lives will change. I guess we don't always get what we want in life.