Sunday, April 6, 2008

How I manage to be a Single Parent battling Breast Cancer

Sometimes when I lay down with Azalia(my 1 year old daughter), she likes to lay her head on my chest. And she's not very gentle about it...it's more like someone dropping a 5 lb. weight on me as she plops her little head down. I try to guide her in mid-air occasionally so she doesn't land on my porto cath. (the device on my clavicle used to administer chemo...it looks like a button under my skin.) She can be pretty rough! As she climbs on me,she pushes all her weight on to my breasts,the left one has two lumps and they are painful if pushed on. I try not to stop her though when she lays down even if it's uncomfortable or I'm not quite sure even...if it's okay? I don't know how much trauma my breast can safely handle.

I look at her though and think to my self "I'm glad you still have your 'pillows'." She should take advantage of them while they are still here. I will be undergoing a radical bilateral mastectomy in September.

I know it's kind of boring sometimes...just the two of us here, bumming around the apartment all day. Whenever I open the front door, her eyes open wide with amazement to idea that "there's an outside world?" I want to go places with her, but I don't you know? I am so tired and the thought alone is draining, yet I am so infected with Cabin Fever, we have got to get out of here!

My two little men, Canyon and Ocean are at their Father's right now. There was really no other way around it. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I have nothing of value in my life,but my children. They are my most precious cargo. It was like taking everything in the world that matters to me and saying "Here you go!" Of course not true...I still have Azalia here and what would I do without her? I have no idea.

I know it's difficult for them, but sometimes I think they are stronger and more mature than I am.They know we are all just "doing what we have to do" right now. They want to come home and sometimes ask when it will be, yet they understand. I am so proud of them. I have always thought myself to be such an inadequate mother and I know I am. But when I look at them I am beside myself. "How did they turn out so good with a Mom like me?" I think. I'm hard on myself, but I think I should be. As a single parent I have to up the anty. What kind of mother would I be if I wasn't hard on myself? There is always room for improvement and right now especially, I just feel that I am failing them. The Cancer is out of my hands,I understand. I wish though, that I had the key to unlock the past and undo whatever caused this. The hardest thing about of all of this isn't what I'm going through (I can get through anything...tough as nails),it's what they are going through. If I find myself falling short when I am healthy, how will I fare for them being ill?

The only comfort I find in it all is knowing that it is only making them stronger and more caring and sensitive to others.And that in the end,it is a "thorn" that they will learn from and hopefully,carry good character from it into their futures.If I can bring 3 more good people into this world then I have accomplished everything! Besides that? Anything else is just a bonus!

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3 comments:

Jenny said...

Thank you for submitting your post to the Mommy Blog Carnival for April 15th. I've included it in the upcoming edition. :) Hope to see you drop by and check out the other participants. Again, thank you!

Lori said...

Consider yourself linked!!! Wow, your post made me misty. You are a strong woman and I have nothing but admiration for you but you need to live your life. Get out and smell the Roses, even if you dont feel like it. Live your life as if there were no tomorrow and dont have any regrets. You are awesome!! Hang in there. My mother is in complete remission from non hodgkins lymphoma, stage 4. There is hope. She is a fighter and so are you. Her attitude and will to live helped her thru the chemo and living with all the struggles she has endured. Keep the faith.

Jenna said...

Big hugs to you. I'm a single momma, too. It's tough enough without adding cancer to the mix. I wish you all the best.