The Reasons...

How do I explain how I got here, to this decision with out writing a book? Okay, no books I promise.

I am a strong-willed,stubborn woman and swore that my boys would always live with me, because I do just fine and because I am prideful and because I believe I can do it all, all by myself.

Doing the best we can, sometimes isn't enough. My boys are at an age now, where they really need their Dad, especially my oldest boy. He's 12.

We moved in December to a place much better than the little apartment we were in,granted it's still a condo and so we are still sandwiched in a horizontal stack of town homes. We are so close to our neighbors, it's a good thing our houses are connected, otherwise we would be able open our windows, reach right through theirs and turn down their music. :)

Back to the subject. Boys. My boys are fighting all the time, especially since the move. The bullying at their new school is relentless. When I went to enroll them I about cried. It's like a school out of some movie where are the kids are troubled and defiant, only Morgan Freeman isn't there to save them. A "Lean on Me" for an elementary. Kids were playing in the parking lot at recess, bouncing balls off of cars, swearing and running on the roof from the playground duties. I said "That's it. You are NOT going here. No way."

My son (the diplomat), said we should "give it a chance".

I was, at first driving them every morning to the old district, then to the day care with ZeeZee, then to the college, then back to the daycare, back to the old school and back to home. After about a month it really wore me down. They weren't even going to Judo anymore, we just didn't have the time.

After the school change, my son became violent, angry and depressed. His grades took a sharp drop too. He brought home a math paper with a 40% score. That is the lowest he has ever had, always being at the top of the class in Math. I asked him to do the problems again. He fixed every one of them and knew exactly how. But he explained to me that in class, he can't concentrate because all he can think about is how every time the teacher steps out of the room, about 3 0r 4 boys start pushing him around, calling him gay, calling him swear words and throwing things at him. Recess was worse. Fights.

At home I would always ask him what was wrong and if he wanted to be removed from the school but he's a tough kid. It wasn't until one day when he burst that I realized we had to get him out of there. He wasn't talking much and seemed troubled. "Are you okay?" I asked. "No, Mom and I haven't been okay ever since you put me in that new school okay? I'm not okay. "

I took him out and put him on home study. The change was instant. His mood, his studies, the fighting. It improved over night.

Only problem was, I'm still in school, full-time. I get home and I am always so busy. My grades could be better too.

I don't understand prideful people who usually end up hurting themselves and those around them, all for pride's sake. The fear of giving up or giving in is too great. They would rather suffer than be wrong. I would rather swallow my pride. I'm quite good at it actually, a pro.

I care more about them and more about the truth than being right or in control. The fact is, they have another parent who loves them are is able to care for them just as I have alone for the past 7 and a half years. He lives in a small town (better schools), is married (stability) and financially sound (able to give more than I am), besides all that, he is their father. They need him and want him and I want what is best for them!

My Prelude

This is my practice run, my rehearsal, my prelude to a new chapter in my life.

It's a clear day which is ironic considering the messy pace of my thoughts. The windy roads and tall pines are beautiful through the Uintahs. The rounded snow has fallen on the branches like perfect mounds of whipped cream.

The boys are fighting in the back seat and my heart and head are pounding out of sync. Spring Break for them, a sanity break for me. But I'm scared.

In the summer we will do this again, only differece is, they won't be coming back. Why can't we have a peaceful drive before they go?

In the summer, they will punch eachother in the backseat as we drive through the Uintahs again. I will wish that we talked about the trees and how much we love eachother and how our lives will change. I guess we don't always get what we want in life.

SPEDA Single Parent Employment Discrimination Act

Please view and sign the following petition. If you have had enough, as I have in the employment arena as a Single Parent, please show your support and help me advocate for Single Parent rights.
I have put together this petition in hopes of making a change. Every big change in the world had a person with a grandiose,hair-brained idea behind it. As they say, "Well behaved women rarely make history." (or as Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said)

Online petition - Single Parent Employment Discrimination Act SPEDA

The Losers Train

Ever feel like you are perpetually stuck on a ride that you really would like to get off of? I have. Ever get the feeling that your life closely resembles that of a Hamster in a Cage? Me too.
Problem is,sometimes you don't know how to exit.What I am referring to is the 'Losers', you know who I'm talking about. You know the type. Come and go as they please.Can't hold a job. Prefer sleeping their car,or at your pad rather than 'wasting money on rent'? Sound familiar?
Maybe I'm kidding myself and I am the only one stuck in this diabolical amusement park designed specifically for my eternal misery.I highly doubt it though. I have met so many women with the same story.And why do these guys prey on single mothers? Why hurt our children? It is the most selfish,careless,insensitive thing I have ever witnessed.

The thing is,when I meet men that run away from their responsibilities,you know who I really get angry at? The parents. It makes me wonder what went wrong.How was this person not raised with the basic knowledge of respect and responsibility.But I have to admit from my own experiences,I have actually been personally abused by men that have no family history of abandoning their families or abuse.(at least not in their immediate family.)
Then many times,a woman gets the strength to get away,only to fall victim to another user,another loser. Same circumstances,only different scenery. How do we stop this? How can we rally together to save single mothers from this abuse,as extreme as that may sound,I feel it's sadly accurate.
It's a cycle.We,women need to believe in ourselves! Believe that we deserve better for us AND our children! It seems as though sometimes,our self-esteems' suffer so much damage from years of constant deterioration from our significant others that we actually start to believe their garbage,treating us as a landfill for all their emotional trash.
There is some good news.Usually women that get taken for are just kind-hearted and believe that there is good in everyone. The women who are attracted to men like this are attracted to them because they want to help them,because they believe that they can help them change! They fall in life with their potential and not who they are which always turns lethal for the relationship.
So,ladies,I have a new rule (okay,an old principal that I am trying to get back to again.)When meeting someone new,my belief is,that we pick our battles.Naturally,no one is perfect (another cop-out for falling for men like that.),BUT,if there is ANYTHING that you would change about that person,it's a NO!
If you think to your self "Well,when we get together,he will be happier and he is only explosive because of blah..blah..blah.", Or, "I really don't like his drinking,but he says he going to stop." Or, "I think he still has a thing for his ex-wife but once he spends more time with me,he'll forget all about her." Or, "Sometimes he seems to be insensitive to his children and mean to his mother,but he's just frustrated with his job."
Remember, how he treats children,his Mother,and his ex-wife...is how he is going to treat you!(even if right now he's "really nice".) And my last dead-giveaway that you are dating a loser is if they say "I'm not like those other guys." From my own experience,they've ended up to be the biggest jerks of all.
Try living on the edge. Next time,you may consider dating outside of your 'comfort zone',outside of your normal attraction.Someone completely opposite. You might give it a chance and find that the right person was always there...just waiting.It may seem foreign or weird at first,but it is just your brain adjusting to the fact that you DESERVE BETTER! (For those of you whom are in a relationship that is so perfect,you actually make others physically ill,this post was obviously not directed at you...any pointers though? =)

"I know what it's like,because my husband is never home"

You know,when others try to compare their lives to yours,it gets a teensy-bit annoying. There is absolutely no comparison on God's Green Earth,for a single mother to a married mother. So,if you are married and reading this? It is offensive to tell another single parent that you understand their strife because your counter-part is gone a lot of the time.
There is money coming in for one, you get to spend holidays together and your child HAS a Daddy!!!(or Mother,in the opposite case) And even though they may not be around much,at least when they are,you are free to go shopping by YOURSELF! (what I wouldn't give...),or maybe he/she is extra cool and helps by making dinner once in a while or giving the baby a bath. Even if he/she doesn't help out much,I'm sure just their presence alone,is comforting to both your children and you! .I was afraid to sleep for years after my divorce,especially when living in some 'not-so-great' neighborhoods at times. Even just having someone to kill an occasional spider for you is nice! ;) (okay...maybe just remove them to the outside for you spider lovers.)

But, you get my point right? I don't mean to rant,but going through Cancer AND keeping this four man ship afloat,is definitely a juggling act to say the least and when I hear remarks like that, I just cringe. This is not my most eloquently written post,as it is more venting than anything,but at least I dropped in to say hello!

P.S. Please send me your stories of 'Being Demeaned as a Single Parent'.(especially mothers). There seems to be a generally very low opinion of many single mothers,while single fathers often remain upon a pedestal and highly revered. It just doesn't seem right to me. We are one person doing the work of a village and I want to let other people know how single mothers are being treated by society as a whole.

Rising above "The Ex"

This is a big toughy for most of us, rising above "The Ex", that is. It’s so tempting to remind them of “what went wrong” or “who was to blame”.
The most important thing to remember when communicating with your Ex is, it really doesn’t matter. It’s not relevant(none of it is)and therefore should not ever be discussed. I know what you are thinking, “But they are the ones who bring it up”, “He/She is the one who starts it”, right? As difficult as this may sound, let them! Let them start it, talk about it, put you down,push your buttons ...whatever. The key is biting your tongue and sometimes you have to bite real hard, so hard it hurts. The more you do this, however, the less painful it is. It does get easier and will eventually become second nature. I am not saying I am perfect in this department,far from it.I think we’ve all been guilty of being “egged on”.
Your Ex may not realize it now,that you have risen above him/her, but some day he/she will (don’t expect an admission though.) Most importantly your children will notice. Again they may not right away, and you are probably thinking “With all the games he/she plays, how could my child know?” Well, while the children are small, it’s true,they can become very confused, but as long as you do not waver and do not stoop to the other persons level, it will be okay in the end. Your child will grow up to respect you. They will look back and remember and the picture will become clear. The parent who did the slandering will, in the end, only hurt themselves, so let them dig their own hole. Time has a way of sharpening the image. Best of all? You can feel good about your self...and hold your head up high.

How I manage to be a Single Parent battling Breast Cancer

Sometimes when I lay down with Azalia(my 1 year old daughter), she likes to lay her head on my chest. And she's not very gentle about it...it's more like someone dropping a 5 lb. weight on me as she plops her little head down. I try to guide her in mid-air occasionally so she doesn't land on my porto cath. (the device on my clavicle used to administer chemo...it looks like a button under my skin.) She can be pretty rough! As she climbs on me,she pushes all her weight on to my breasts,the left one has two lumps and they are painful if pushed on. I try not to stop her though when she lays down even if it's uncomfortable or I'm not quite sure even...if it's okay? I don't know how much trauma my breast can safely handle.

I look at her though and think to my self "I'm glad you still have your 'pillows'." She should take advantage of them while they are still here. I will be undergoing a radical bilateral mastectomy in September.

I know it's kind of boring sometimes...just the two of us here, bumming around the apartment all day. Whenever I open the front door, her eyes open wide with amazement to idea that "there's an outside world?" I want to go places with her, but I don't you know? I am so tired and the thought alone is draining, yet I am so infected with Cabin Fever, we have got to get out of here!

My two little men, Canyon and Ocean are at their Father's right now. There was really no other way around it. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I have nothing of value in my life,but my children. They are my most precious cargo. It was like taking everything in the world that matters to me and saying "Here you go!" Of course not true...I still have Azalia here and what would I do without her? I have no idea.

I know it's difficult for them, but sometimes I think they are stronger and more mature than I am.They know we are all just "doing what we have to do" right now. They want to come home and sometimes ask when it will be, yet they understand. I am so proud of them. I have always thought myself to be such an inadequate mother and I know I am. But when I look at them I am beside myself. "How did they turn out so good with a Mom like me?" I think. I'm hard on myself, but I think I should be. As a single parent I have to up the anty. What kind of mother would I be if I wasn't hard on myself? There is always room for improvement and right now especially, I just feel that I am failing them. The Cancer is out of my hands,I understand. I wish though, that I had the key to unlock the past and undo whatever caused this. The hardest thing about of all of this isn't what I'm going through (I can get through anything...tough as nails),it's what they are going through. If I find myself falling short when I am healthy, how will I fare for them being ill?

The only comfort I find in it all is knowing that it is only making them stronger and more caring and sensitive to others.And that in the end,it is a "thorn" that they will learn from and hopefully,carry good character from it into their futures.If I can bring 3 more good people into this world then I have accomplished everything! Besides that? Anything else is just a bonus!

Wanna check out my Breast Cancer T-shirt for sale? It's my design....check out my store at http://www.cafepress.com/thetrueme

Single Parent Statistics

Our mission is to better the lives of Single Parents and their children through a myriad of resources and a network of helpful friends who can always relate!
Single Parent Family statistics are alarming!
These odds can be beat! Knowing is half the battle, doing is the other half.

· One study, which followed 100 children of divorce through 25 years, found that, while the divorced parents may have felt liberated, many of their children suffered emotionally.

· Although 20% of all dependent children live in lone-parent families, 70% of young offenders identified by Youth Offending Teams come from lone-parent families.

· American studies have shown that boys from one-parent homes were twice as likely as those from two-birth-parent families to be incarcerated by the time they reached their early 30s.


*At age 15, boys from lone-parent households were twice as likely as those from intact two-birthparent households to have taken any drugs (22.4% compared with 10.8%). Girls from lone-parent homes were 25% more likely to have taken drugs by the age of 15 (8.2% compared with 6.5%) and 70% more likely to have taken drugs by age 18 (33.3% compared with 19.6%). After controlling for poverty, teenagers from lone-parent homes were still 50% more likely to take drugs